Disco Dancer

Well this blog is certainly not for the faint hearted. It all started when I was on a night out with a mate. My mate’s name for the blog is “Dave”.

Well let me paint a picture. The night club, ah the night club, is in Whitehaven, known to the locals as not the place to go. The floors try to suck your shoes off your feet, they were that sticky. It’s a place where you wipe your feet on the way out. There are two floors to the night club, normal music downstairs and normal music on speed upstairs. Dave and I were upstairs. The room was full of sweaty bodies, smoke (dry ice) and strobe lights. The dance floor was heaving.

The thing about me and my friends, well anyone who knows me really, can collaborate is that as soon as I hear music I just want to dance. Obviously, dance in the loosest terms, more moving about erratically! Dave and I had had a few drinks, well quite a few really, and my whole body was telling me to dance! As the dance floor was packed we moved around to where there were a couple of podiums. Now these podiums where different heights, the first was about a metre and the other a metre and a half. The higher one was occupied, so I clambered on to the lower one and started to dance, shout and wave my arms. [Writing this makes me cringe to think what I looked like! Oh well it’s funny 🙂 ].

After a couple of songs the lass who was on the higher podium climbed down so I immediately stepped up. I was there high above my audience, chanting and doing all the other thing too much beer makes to do and think! Well it was not long before my over zealous dance moves caused an accident. My right foot stepped off the podium without permission and did not have the decency to let the rest of my body know what it was doing! As my right foot realised what it had done, it was too late, the rest of my body was trying to counteract the miscalculation. Down went my left leg buckling, the corner of the podium shot up hit me between the legs and my whole body flipped over and I landed in a crumpled mess on the dance floor. I was upright in a shot and carried on dancing then the pain from below hit me like a bus. Dave asked if I was ok and I replied in a voice exactly like Zed out of Police academy “I’m fine….I may need to go to the toilet”. In the stinking, soaking toilet I nearly passed out. I looked in the mirror to see two lumps on each side of my neck. I tried to swallow them back down! 😉 Boy did it hurt, even after 12 pints it hurt. After a while the dull, sickening pain subsided enough for me to walk in a relative normal way. I headed for the bar a downed several Vodkas.

I don’t remember much else about that night nor how I got home. I woke up dry mouthed and aching. Shoot, I was still aching. I lifted the covers slowly and peered down at my ole man. FUCK ME there was blood everywhere! I was in a panic and started to sweat, a lump formed in my throat. I shouted out for my, now wife, “I’ve killed him, I’ve kiiiilllllled him, what am I going to do!”, I half shouted and half cried! After a while my now wife calmed me slightly by saying “Oh God, you’ll have to go to the hospital. That really does not look good!”. She has a way with subtlety. I limped down stairs after getting dressed as Dave was just waking up on the sofa. “Dave, I think I have killed him!”, I groaned. “Killed what exactly?”, Dave replied. “My knob, I’ve killed my Knoooobbbb!”, I wailed. My wife-to-become just looked up at the ceiling in a nonchalant way and shuffled me to the car.

At the hospital I did not have to wait long before I was seen by not one but three doctors, all of which had a fiddle and asked the dreaded question. “And how did you do this?”. I’m sure I heard sniggering behind the curtains. I was told that I had to stay over night. Oh great, in my mind I could see me laying on the bed with my knob in traction! Thanks goodness that did not happen. But what did happen was every hour a nurse came round to check on him, a quick look and fiddle. On every shift change the nurses would come round my bed and have a giggle at my expense! Bless them. 😀

The next morning all seemed well and he was working again without pain. The doctor came round and said I could leave after lunch but the nurse will need to patch it up.

I left the hospital with my ole man in a sling, the sling was tied from around my balls to around my neck. Unfortunately, the sling was a bit tight and I walked along like a hunch back with a crick in his neck! 😉

Mutant Monkey

Hotel Streaker Part Deux

Well I mentioned in part 1 that there where 4 episodes of me sleepwalking and to be honest 2 & 3 where pretty lame affairs. Sleepwalking #2 occurred in the Swallow Hotel in Sunderland. I ended up, after going to bed early, walking naked down a spiral staircase and across a lovely open foyer. Unfortunately, there were several hotel guest still milling about, but I kept my head high and targeted the reception desk. Before I got there the receptionist shouted “Locked yourself out, Lad?”, I nodded and a new keycard was passed over. I did an about turn and headed for my room.

Sleepwalking #3 happening in a hotel in Orpington, Kent. This was a bit more awkward because it was a small hotel and the owner had left for the night, therefore, no night porter. Bit of a problem as I had to rummage around for a phone number and call the owner at 4 in the morning. At first they thought it was a prank but after a lot of pleading they came to the hotel and let me back into my room. To say they were not best pleased was a tad of a underestimation. Oops!

Moving swiftly on to sleepwalking #4, the final insult! Well this happened in a small hotel near Reading. Now, you got to bear in mind it had been several years since the last display. I woke in a corridor and my first though was “Oh not again!”. I looked down, “Oh no, NOT again!”. I tried the door on a forlorn chance it would open. Of course it wouldn’t. So I wandered down stairs to find the night porter. I looked everywhere but could not find a single soul. “Damn, I can’t sleep down here all night, what will happen in the morning!”, I thought. Then I looked up and saw a door marked Private, excellent, the night porter must be in there. My hope raised a couple of notches, I had a smile of relief on my face. As I opened the door the burglar alarm set off, I’m sure it was taunting me. I froze, I could not believe it! I certainly was not smiling anymore. What shall I do now?!!! I felt sick as panic was setting in, I was going to be arrested for burglary, I’ll be known as the Buff Burglar or the Burglar in the Buff! 😦 After a minute of rubbing my forehead trying to think what to do, I decided to sit in the Private office, resigned to my fate and wait for the Police. About 2 minutes later the door opened and a hand reached in, it was a womans hand, it moved to the keypad on the wall and punched in a number combination. The taunting alarm went off. Silence. Then the light went on in the office then the landlady stepped in, the wonderful silence was shattered by a high-pitched scream; I had been found. Then another scream followed by “Oh my god you are naked!!!!”. “Er….Yes I am” I replied, sitting covering up my, well you know. Behind her, her husband stood, with a deep furrowed frown and behind him was the happiest, smiling person – the gay barman. Just my luck! 

“I thought you was a burglar!”, she exclaimed. “Er.. no..where was I going to hide the loot?”, I was tempted to elaborate but decided against it. She ordered someone to get me a robe. The very happy gay barman came back with a lovely fluffy white robe and helped me put it on! I could not really refuse! After a million and one apologies, I was escorted back to my room in silence. Alone in my room I looked around, picked up my bag and placed it in front of the door. Not happy that it would stop me getting out I moved the chest of drawers, a chair and then the wardrobe. Satisfied I went to bed!

Funny enough I missed breakfast that morning. On returning to the hotel that evening I looked in to the reception area but there was no one to be seen. Result. I went upstairs and had a shower. When I came down the stairs I noticed there was a gathering; there was some meeting going on with eight of the staff including the three who attended my most embarrassing moment. (Well one of many moments anyway!). As I reached the final step of the stairs one of the staff looked up then another just like a group of meerkats. A few hushed whispers and then “Yes, that’s him!”, the landlady accused. Well f… my luck, I thought. I cannot leave now, time to front it out again, so I walked over to the group with a oh this is going to be fun look on my face (not), and said that I was sorry and the landlady. Lapping up the drama, the landlady explained in-depth how she thought that I was a burglar and could not believe it when she found me sitting on a stool with hands cupped and head bowed! Bless her, just love it when people add their own spin on things. 🙂 She did say that I have a new fan….the gay barman. Oh great! She told the staff to leave the spare key somewhere where I could find it and suggested that I put a chair against the door and possibly wear some underwear in bed!

I was the talk of the night, all night, as there was a quiz night on and all the locals were told of the goings on the night before and introduced me as the hotel streaker!

A few months later I had to work near Reading again and a lady at work booked me into the same hotel. She phoned me and could hardly contain herself she had been told the story of me streaking…After a couple of months I thought that they would have forgotten! Songs have been written about that night and stories are told round the fire…..that night is now Folklore! 😉

Mutant Monkey

Hotel Streaker Part 1

I have stayed in many hotels, working away from home, in all parts of the country. Unfortunately, while I was away I had a tendency to sleep walk! Several times I was lucky where I woke just as the hotel door was closing but on 4 occasions I was not so lucky.

The first time of such occasion was when I was in a Holiday Inn Express hotel in Scotland. I woke in the corridor wondering where the hell I was. Loads of doors with numbers on, my mind could not comprehend at first what was going on, thinking that I was still in a dream: Pick the wrong door and you go to hell type of dream! Anyway it slowly dawned on me that this was not a dream and that I was awake and cold. I looked down to find myself as I went to bed…naked. Oh noooooo! screamed in my head. I tried the door knowing full well there was no chance of it opening (even though I was asking for the gods help). What was I going to do? 

As I was on the ground there was no need to use stairs or lifts so I wandered towards the hotels reception to hopefully find a night porter who would let me back in my room. With hands behind my head thinking “why me”, I turned the corner and was confronted with a long corridor that on one side was all glass, in daylight you could see out to the car park, but as it was night all I could see was my reflection. I hung my head in dismay and gave my wee man a rub to keep the chill off. “What the hell am I going to do!” still screaming in my head. Oh well I thought; I got to front this out!

So I headed off towards reception with a strut and a purpose. What I did not realise was that the night porter watched me strutting down the corridor. By the time I reached the reception desk the night porter was wide-eyed, mouth slowly opening and closing and he was obviously in shock. As cool as a cucumber and as naturally as possible I proclaimed “I seem to have locked myself out of my room!”. The night porter still wide-eyed nodded slowly. “Here mate, any chance of letting me back into my room?”. He eventually replied in a very low voice that he will have to wake the Manageress as she is the one with the master keys. Panic set in. What, why, is this guy having a laugh!!!! I asked him to repeat and why does he not have a key!!! He was adamant that he had to wake the Manageress. Tosser!

With that I decided to and calm down and really front this situation out. So I walk around the reception area, there was tables and chairs in the large marble foyer. Not a soul about, which was lucky. The whole front of the building was glass with a main road passing in front. Hmmm, glass front, lights on inside…anyone could see me as they drove past! I gave up, shrugged my shoulders surrendering to my inner demon, plonked myself down in a chair and put my feet up on the table. It was not too cold in the foyer…thank god! 

The Manageress came over and I stood up with purpose and offered my hand. “Hi, I’m Rob, pleased to meet you. As you can see I’m in a bit of a predicament and need desperately to get back into my room!”. She was horrified. All she could manage was “Oooo, Oh, Oooo”, trying to keep her eyes above waist height and nodding in agreement to let me back into my room.

So this poor woman had to walk side-by-side with me back to my room. She was so red lol. We did not have too much of a conversation as we walked for some reason… I wondered what she would have said if we would have bumped into anyone on the way to my room. What she did do, however, is tell all her staff. At breakfast the sound of sniggering, laughter and hushed voices. It was so joyous, and I still had three more nights stay in the hotel.

It turned out to be a great stay, even ended up on a night out with all the staff..most fun!

Mutant Monkey