Now I know that this is a bit of a sensitive subject but this story must be told as it is quite funny. It all started when my Grandad died in Carmarthen, South Wales (ok that bits not funny). He had split with my Nan some years earlier and had moved there. My Grandad was born and bred in the Ruislip/Uxbridge area and this is where he wanted to be buried, according to his will that is. The executors of the will was my Mum and Uncle.
My Mum and Uncle had to travel to Carmarthen to see Grandad for reasons I am not clear; I think that it was to do with being executors of the will. Anyway, I volunteered to drive them as it was a fair journey and I knew the day would be stressful for the both of them. There was one condition: I did not want to see my Grandad. I was assured that this was not going to happen.
The drive seemed to flyby mainly due to the banter in the car. I was trying to take their minds off the impending stress. However, conversation came round to the fact that my Grandad wanted to be buried in Ruislip. My Mum was explaining how difficult it was going to be to get Grandad back to Ruislip and that the costs would also be phenomenal. Each time the body crossed a county more cost were added. Not ideal at all.
We finally got to Carmarthen without getting lost, and this was the days before Sat-Nav (pat on the back….thank you). We parked in the church car park and got out the car. My Mum and Uncle looked pale. The priest met us at the door, and introduced himself; his voice was slow and tombstone-ish. He ushered us into the church and without thinking I walked in with my mum.
The church was like all the churches I had ever been in. Rows of pews and a stage (I mean altar) up front. The priest lead us into a room and there was a box table in the middle. The priest walked round and took the lid off. Then it dawned on me it was a coffin! There he was, open casket, my Grandad lay there at peace. He actually looked asleep. I’m sure he has makeup on! “Whoa!”, I exclaimed. This was not what I had signed up for!! I said to my Mum that I’ll be outside and about turned!
Outside I had a couple of cigarettes thinking that Grandad actually looked well! Better than the last time I saw him, which was strange. I half expected my Mum and Uncle to walk out with him! Funny what the mind thinks when shocked!
After a while my Mum and Uncle came out, they looked stressed. I suggested we go for a strong drink to which they agreed. A pub was just around the corner.
Drinks bought we sat at one of those small round tables. “Well, that was a shock”, I started “I thought he was going to open his eyes and sit up!”. They agreed that he look ‘well’….I mean er well for a dead person. That doesn’t sound right either! How about just leave it as … looked at peace.
It was then I had an idea. To save all the problem with getting him back and sorting the funeral I’d hire a transit van and drive to Carmarthen. There would be enough room for the coffin in the back. Drive back to the river Severn and give him a viking burial. Push him out on a raft and fire some flaming arrows at it. He’d appreciate that. My Mum and Uncle laughed at this. Glad to cheer them up. Secretly, I was hoping that they would go for it, never mind 😉
My Mum actually suggested that we should strap the coffin to the roof of my car and on the way back throw it overboard into the river Severn! Ha ha! I cannot argue that this would have been the cheapest option. 😉
This obviously did not happen but it would have been good. Anyway, the funeral was respectful (as it should be) and the wake itself was…er…fun… as everyone got drunk and had a laugh. Just how I remember Grandad had lived his life.
I would like to have a Viking burial but with the way health and safety is now I doubt it will ever happen. One thing I would insist on though is that everybody had a good time, drank loads and wore T-shirts emblazoned with ‘I knew Rob and Survived!” lol
Mutant Monkey
Mut4nt Monk3y 