It all started when I was in a pub enjoying a pint with my dad. My dad you see used to work at LWT, London Weekend Television. It is now called the London Studios. He asked if I would like to help make £500 for Uxbridge rugby club (who I used to play for) and all the beer I could drink. There was one condition though, I had to promise that I was going to keep my word. I pressed him before promising and what he did mention was that we were to appear on the Hale and Pace show. Maybe not all if you will remember or are too young to have seen Hale and Pace, but basically they we a couple of comedians that had a sketch show on Saturday evenings. I agreed to promise, rather naively as it turns out but I did it mainly for the beer! So my dad spilled the beans and said that all I need to bring is my rugby boots and socks. He then looked expectantly at me, allowing time for the penny to drop. “Oh, you want me to be naked on TV!”, I said in disbelief. My dad gave me a look that I knew from old that he was not telling an untruth! 😦
Anyway, my Dad got together a rugby team from a mixture of 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th team players and we all assembled at the front of The London Studios (as it is called now). All of us were in a nervous/excited mood, not excited as in ‘is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me’, no, it was more childish giggling. So in we went for our rehearsals…the rehearsals opened our eyes to what we had let ourselves in for. It was not going to be pretty! 😦
After rehearsals we fled to a bar around the corner and managed to only down a couple of beers before we had to head back. So into the change room we went. It was a bit crowded to say the least with 15 rugby players huddled together. The smell of….of fear was in the air. Well I think it was that anyway! 😦 A wall mirror ran along the whole length of the change room, so we did our ‘dress’ rehearsal to see what it would look like. It did not help our nerves at all and nervous laughter broke out!
We were called to backstage and had to walk around the corridors naked, just the sound of studs on the tiled flooring reverberated around us. When we arrived there was an old man, two beautiful lasses that had very sexy mini dresses on with stockings and suspenders (Oh Yes!), and a sheep. The sheep took one look at us and dropped more than a hand full of raisins on the floor!!!
It was cold back stage, not good for any man, especially ones who were nervous and were just about to step out on stage to an audience, as well! I found a halogen lamp used for backlighting the stage and er warmed myself up. Encouraging my little man with a rub, I looked up to see the two lasses looking at me talking and pointing. I just smiled and carried on! Too late to be embarrassed now! lol. The floor Manager call us to be ready….and off we went on stage…
The sketch went like this: Hale and Pace sat at a desk in the middle of the stage chatting about different types of humour to the six hundred people in the audience and the countless millions who will watch it on TV when the show aired.
“Well good old English humour is funny!”, Pace exclaimed and with that the Benny Hill theme song came on over the speakers and the two models dressed up as naughty nurses ran across stage with the dirty old man hobbling after them. Oh, how the audience laughed.
“Hmmm, well yes, that was funny but Australian humour is funnier!”, replied Hale, not to be out beaten. The very worried sheep walked across stage with some french love song belting out of the speakers to rapturous applause from the audience.
“Yes, yes, very funny, but, you know what, you can’t beat nudism!”, Pace countered and with that Nelly the Elephant came on and our moment had come; the rugby team walked across stage with only boots and socks on with one hand under their own arse holding the mans hand behind and so on! We walked along like a constipated centipede! The audience at first went quiet then exploded in to a cacophony of laughter and crying!
“CUT! Good take everybody!”, the director shouted and we were ushered back on stage for a photo shoot! Items were handed out to hide our dangly bits dignity. I was given a rugby ball. Now with being a rugby player the obvious place to hold a rugby ball is not in front of your knackers, its under your arm. So, that’s how I walked back on stage! 😀
As I got close to Norman Pace I bent down and said into his ear “Would you like to be sorted out by 15 rugby players?”. He jumped up like a flash with a worried look on his face..brilliant. Photos complete we headed off stage to get dressed and then headed to the bar for copious amounts of beer!
Funny enough this was the first and last time I have appeared on TV! In the picture below I’m on the right holding the rugby ball.
Mutant Monkey
Mut4nt Monk3y 