My Dad and Rugby

My Dad is an avid, maybe one would say fanatical, rugby player. He loves the games and at 60 he still reckons that there is one more game in him; I bet that he has one too, even after serious injury and illness!

I started playing rugby at the tender age of 14 and loved it, I got hooked right away, what young lad wouldn’t. It also had an added benefit as it was my way of getting back at the bullies in school. By the fifth year I was playing for the sixth formers and missing lessons. It was fantastic!

Soon after leaving school when I was 16, my Dad said I should play for Uxbridge rugby club, his club, I was delighted. My Dad played for the first team and had done for years. I had my work cut out to prove myself. I knew a lot of the guys at the rugby club as my Dad took me along on many occasion to watch. This helped as these guys were massive, (well compared to me!) protection everywhere!

It wasn’t long before I was called up to the first team, it was the first time that father and son ever played in the first team together in the clubs history. We even appeared in the Sunday Telegraph, ok it was the smallest ever column but we were there! I remember feeling so proud.

Not long into the match and I scored a try, swan diving over the line with a big stupid grin on my face, rolling over as the opposition player stamped on my knee. Bless him! I didn’t feel anything; I was so happy. As I got back to the half way line to restart the match I felt my foot squelching in my boot. “Looks like ya going to hospital, my boy”, my Dad said. I looked down to see a gash on my knee. Off I trotted to hospital to get stitched up! Gutted! It turned out that we won the match and on the way home my Dad told me that my mother is not going to be best pleased as he was under strict orders to protect me. Oh dear! Funny thing was that if my Dad or I got injured, either way, he got into trouble with my Mum.

My Dad did in fact protect me all he could when playing. Although there was a number of close calls, one being that there was a ruck and my Dad piled in (accidentally) scraping his studs on an opposition player, I was following in but pulled up as the Referee blew his whistle. This guy stood up, growled at me and took a swipe at me. This guy was so huge that his fist started off in a different county, luckily for me I ducked a the appropriate time and the momentum of his crushing fist stopped abruptly on his own teammates chin. He fell backward like a falling tree. That, as it happened, defused the immediate problem with a few laughs from Uxbridge players.

Later on in the game I found myself involved in a crunching tackle which took me off my feet. I ensuing ruck, which formed quickly buried me under a pile of bodies. I could move, just, but my legs and arms trapped and face down in the mud. Eventually, the pressure eased as slowly people were getting off but one guy still had hold of me. I was not happy so I swung my elbow up and back and caught the guy holding me in the face. I was released. I stood up to see my Dad clutching his face. Then it dawned on me..oh! He said as calm as “I was protecting you, holding up the whole ruck and you hit me in the face! You wait till you get home!”. Well although I was very apologetic the whole Uxbridge team just fell about laughing.

We laugh about it now, as I was then I’m sorry I hit him. They were great times and I thoroughly enjoy playing rugby with my Dad.

Twitter

Twitter, Twitter what are you to me

I could be anyone, nice or bad

I chat and converse to many, I enjoy chatting to people from over the world

but what do you offer to my real life?

nothing, I will never meet these virtual friends

so twitter what do you really give me?

false reality, friends in the virtual world,

So why do I do it? because i need friends

The Eighth Dwarf

Not many of you would have heard of the eighth dwarf because shortly before Snow White invaded the dwarf’s house that dismal day, the eighth dwarf had already parted company from the mining midgets.

As legend had it the eighth dwarf was known as Horny. He was a troublesome dwarf having only one friend, Dopey, who did not know any better anyway. The other six dwarfs hated him, as he was bone idle and a fantasiser, which to a dwarf was sacrilege. Horny would chitter and chatter about the women dwarfs in the village nearby, saying how he would just love to tug on the lady dwarfs beards, stroke their hairy backs and such like all day and all evening. All the other dwarfs knew that it was all mining donkey poo because as soon as a lady dwarf showed a bit of hair or offered a touch of their beard he would well get extremely horny and need clean underwear!

Horny got, well, horny by looking or touching anything: An odd shaped piece of mud, a hole in a tree (donned with a false beard), the mining donkey (less said about that one the better but it is dark in a mine and dwarfs only have lanterns for light! Mistakes are made!). These antics worried Doc more than anyone as he was the ‘Doctor’. Not a very good one though, basically he was the only one who could put a plaster on straight so he got the job. Plasters where the only item in the medical bag, they fixed everything from a pickaxe through the foot to a pickaxe in the head. The pickaxe in the head was most awkward as it usually took a great deal of tugging and pulling to get out due to the thickness of a dwarf’s skull, luckily without too much blood. Doc was unfortunately extremely squeamish.

Horny, because he fantasied all the time, was always on the brink of an explosion but this did not stop him. Every Friday night he would don his glittering diamond encrusted gown and head off to the village. An hour later (it took 25mins to walk there) he returned, change his underwear, and sat around the fire telling stories of conquests he had had that night…How he had done this, how they had touch that..etc.

His stories were so farfetched they would change the other dwarf’s personalities, for example, Sleepy would sit awake listening, Grumpy would laugh, Doc would stop dithering, Happy would frown, Sneezy would stop sneezing, and Bashful would butt in any tell him to stop telling porkies! Dopey, well, Dopey it didn’t effect as he really was just dopey!

Something had to be done but dwarfs, although hard as nails, were a very nice to their kinsfolk. Doc finally got the courage to talk to Horny about his antics and storytelling. Horny just laughed and said that Doc should go down to the village with him. Doc just quivered and stammered saying that he needed to be somewhere else right now. There was no changing Horny, he was indeed horny through and through.

Well Friday night was here again and Horny was getting ready to go out. With Dopey combing his beard he sang a joyful tune.

It’s Friday night and I’m going into to town,

Watch out ladies Horny’s donning his best gown.

It’s shiny, it’s sparkly, it’s diamond encrusted,

It’s going to melt those bits that have crusted. Ooohhhh Yeaaaah! Ooohhhh Yeaaaah!

I’m gonna grab ya, I’m gonna squeeze ya, I’m gonna show you my mace,

I’m gonna tug that beard right off’a your face.

I’m gonna turn you on, I’m gonna turn you ooooon,

Then I’m gonna come in my pants and then I will be gone.

This was his favourite going out song which he sang every Friday. Dopey would clap his hands a do the ‘Oh Yeah’ but he did not have a clue what the words meant.

Horny adjusted his gown in the mirror and said “That’ll do nicely. What do ya think Dopes?” Dopey nodded vigorously as his tongue hung out of one side of his mouth, he passed Horny his shield which had his (cleaned) false beard hanging over it and then passed his mace. The shield was buffed to a shine that it was like a convex mirror. Dopey always buffed it up for him; Horny wondered how he got it so gleaming. Horny notice something “What’s that on ya face and on ya tongue?” he questioned pointing at the silver looking dirt on Dopey’s face. Dopey shrugged and smiled. “Is that, no, is that silver cleaner?” Horny enquired. Dopey nodded excitedly. Horny had his answer “Oh!” he said, raising his eyebrows.

Horny took one more drawn out look at himself in the mirror and his eyes were drawn to the false beard on his shield and smiled excitedly and started to squirm. He looked away quickly as fond memories of holes in fences with beard attached came to mind. He shook his head to gain control, “Right, Dopes, I’m off. No need to wish me well, I’m feeling Haych Oh Tee tonight!” Dopey just nodded happily and smiled.

Horny got to the foot of the stairs grabbed his littler man and shouted to the dwarfs who were already tucking into their second meal of the night. “I’m feeling horny tonight!” No response. He tried again “Hey, I’m feeling horny tonight, get it?” still no response. Horny’s face dropped “Humpf” he sighed. He opened the door and slammed it behind him. Doc looked at the door and shook his head in dismay. The dwarf’s where in full conversation about how they could tell Horny to leave and no-one would volunteer to tell him.

The walk down to the village did not take long, all the way he fantasised about women and their glittering beards. “Oh this is going to be a good night, I can feel it in my …” his thoughts were interrupted as his footfalls had startled a deer and it darted into the bushes. Horny watched the deer through the bushes then dig his hands into his pockets and continued on his journey.

The boom boom boom of the latest folk song could be heard way down the main road before Horny could see the sign for the Jolly Miners Tavern. A smile crossed his face. “Fun Time!” he thought. Horny entered the smoke filled tavern, breathing in the smell of burning wood ends. The band was at the far end, the lead singer, a good-looking dwarf with a fashionable square-cut shaped beard, he wore latest mining head lamp on his head. Horny glared at him and headed for the bar.

“What can I get you, dwaff” asked the bartender. ‘Dwaff’ was supposedly the cool thing to call fellow dwarfs these days. “A pitcher of mulled gooseberry wine and sprinkle some of that coal dust on” Horny smiled as he ordered the coolest and most expensive drink in the establishment. As Horny waited for his drink to arrive he scanned the tavern for bearded talent, there was not much, if any. A Hen party was going on; it was those human types, Longleggers. Horny snorted. Longleggers get everywhere these days! “Hey Dwaff, here’s your drink.” the bartender shouted over the music. Horny grabbed the pitcher and threw a ruby on the bar as payment and strutted over to a spare table by the Hen party. He put his shield and mace to one side and sat down.

“Where on earth are all the women tonight” Horny thought. He drank the pitcher swiftly and ordered another from a Lamsack. A Lamsack was a strange goblin type creature that came from overseas.

By the third pitcher Horny was feeling the effects. Normally he would have downed half a pitcher, met a woman and was back telling his fellow miners in arms the (made up) stories of the night. He watched the Longleggers in the Hen party. One, if she had a beard, looked quite nice, jet black hair and rosy lips. They were indeed enjoying themselves and had certainly had a few drinks between them. Well apart from one, an older Longlegger. A look of thunder in her eyes every time the Hen laughed! The old Longlegger caught Horny’s eye, she glared at him and he looked away quickly and shuddered. “What in mine collapse was that!” he though. She was indeed an evil sort.

The Longleggers got up and danced, they formed the renowned circle of death, death to any man how dared to enter it, as the band started one of their famous older songs, “Hit me with you pickaxe baby”. Horny could feel the music getting to him, his toes started tapping and he wanted to dance. He ordered another pitcher from the Lamsack and strolled onto the dance floor then danced his way into the middle of the Longleggers dancing circle. First, looks of horror was displayed on the Longleggers faces, and then because he was a dwarf he was allowed to entertain them. The Longleggers clapped to his best moves and he soaked up the attention. After the song finished the dark haired one wandered over to the bar. A moment or to later, with his beer goggles on, Horny fetched his pitcher off the table and followed her. He met her at the bar. He started off the conversation with his best chat up line “Hey, my name is Horny and I may have a dwarf dick but I have a ten inch tongue and can breathe through my ears!” The Longlegger for a second did not say a word then she laughed and said “That’s brilliant, I never heard that on before. My name is Snow White” Horny frowned and pinched his nose, closed his mouth and started to breathe through his ears. He let go of his nose and said “See perforated eardrums; I got too close to the dynamite explosion down in Diamondii Mine!”

Horny made idle chat with the Longlegger, telling her where he lived and worked then out of the blue she touched Horny’s arm. He looked up at her, she was smiling. Through his beer goggles he imagined that she had a beard. Horny was getting horny. “So this is your last night of freedom then?” he asked. Snow White nodded. A concerned look crossed her face and she said “I’m really nervous about the first night as I have no experience” Well as soon as the penny dropped which wasn’t long Horny said “Well you are in luck, I am really experienced. If you like I will be happy to show you the ropes!” Snow White giggled. He was in! Horny asked the bartender for a room upstairs and then went to fetch his Shield and Mace.

They entered the room and both promptly stripped off and Snow White sat on the bed. “Right, first things first, you need to put this on” Horny said as he passed her the false beard. She put it on. “Woooozeeerrrrrssss” Horny was getting really excited now. He looked at her and smiled then licked his eyebrows with his tongue. Snow White nearly passed out!

After twenty minutes Horny was dressed and stood holding his shield and mace. Snow White, still lying on the said “Oh Horny, that was fantastic. Thank you for helping me.” Horny looked at her and wanted to say that that was truly the best 15 minutes he had ever had in his life but instead said “Can I have my false beard back.”

He left tavern and walked down the road and into the forest. “I cannot believe it. I can’t wait to tell the others.” he though grinning so much it was beginning to hurt.

“You! You! You have corrupted my daughter!” a voice behind him came. Horny turned to see the older Longlegger. Her eyes were actually glowing red. “Holy miner donkey poo!” was the last words that Horny ever uttered again. A bolt of lightning came out of the older Longleggers fingers and struck him down. The smell of singed beard filled the night air.

Two days later Snow White arrived at the now seven dwarf’s house in search for Horny. Her step mother, the older Longlegger, had told her what she had done to Horny and that she was going to do the same to her. It was then Snow White had fled into the forest to see if Horny was still alive.

Doc finally managed to tell Snow White that they had found was Horny’s false bread in a scorched area and that was all, no shield, no mace, no Horny. Snow White asked if she could keep it. This confused Doc and the other dwarf’s but they did not say anything and nodded. The step mother found out where Snow White was and the rest, they say, is fairy tale history.

Luckily for Snow White the coma induced apple flavoured poison had a major side effect: Short term memory loss. Snow White never remembered Horny and the remaining seven dwarfs never talked about him again.

Mutant Monkey

Speeding Fines I Should Have Got

I have been nearly caught speeding on several occasions, this is how I got off.

Stop #1

I was travelling back from a job in Folkestone, heading along the M20. I was motoring along at around 90mph when I spotted a patrol car. So obviously I slowed to just under 80mph and passed it, once passed and out of sign…foot down. Little further down the motorway was a contraflow, now I know the signs indicate 50 but I was going 90, so I compromised and travelled through it at 70. Just as I was leaving the contraflow blue flashing lights appeared in the rear view mirror…I could bot believe it…bugger. I pull over to the hard shoulder.

I jumped out to meet the copper but he pointed to the car, which I guess meant for me to get back in my car. I did. He climbed in the passenger seat. “You was travelling a bit fast through the contraflow. Do you know the speed limit?”, he questioned. “E….Yes its 70”, I said as naively as possible. “No sonny the signs say 50, that is the speed limit” he stated. “Oh, sorry, I thought that they were advisory” I replied innocently. He then proceeded to lecture me on the difference between mandatory and advisory. I nodded and shook my head in surprise and understanding. He then said I did well to pull over safely and quickly. I said that I was brought up to respect the police and do what I was told..etc. 😉 We then got in a conversation how bad other drivers were, not stopping etc. In the end he said “Right you seem a nice enough lad so I should give you a £30 fine, three points on you licence and a summons to court, but as I pulled you I have to give you something so I’ll give you a £16 parking fine”. I was surprised and replied to this with “A parking fine on a motorway? So if I had not stopped I would have got nothing!”. “Don’t push your like sonny!” he growled. I smiled apologetically and said thanks. Phew!

Stop #2

I was travelling from Maidenhead to Glasgow. I left home at 2am and was on the M5 doing 110mph, there was nothing on the road. As I passed a junction I glanced at the slip road and I was not sure if I had seen a police car or not. I gradually slowed down to 80 as in the distance I saw a car catching me up at speed. Sure enough it was; blue lights so I pulled over promptly. Again I got out my car and again I was told to get back in.

The usual questions ask like where was I going etc. Then came “What speed was you going?”. Right yeah I was going to tell the truth. “Not sure Officer, why?”. “When you flew past us we estimated that you must have been travelling well over 100” he stated. “Really….oh”, I replied as innocently as possible. “OK. Well there is not a lot of traffic around just be careful and keep your speed down to 80, we will not pull you at 80”, I nodded, then he said “Hmmm, you use your rear view mirror very well, don’t you”. “Suppose I do, travelling at speed you have to!”, I said with a cheeky smile. He frowned and said “Just keep to 80”. Pheew!

Stop #3

I was late for work and I had the key to let everyone in. This time I was speeding along the M4 between Reading and Maidenhead junctions when this van pulled out in front of me and slowed to 70. I nearly skidded but kept control of the car. I was fuming, the front of my car so close to the rear of the van I could count the number of hairs on his neck! Flashing my lights and beeping my horn was not going to persuade him to go faster.  As soon as he pulled over my foot hit the floor. I was coming up to the Maidenhead junction and could see a gap in the inside lane to squeeze between and up onto the slip road. I was already doing 100 but speeded up some more to pull off the motorway. Made it! The traffic lights at the roundabout were red. Bugger. I stopped and looked in my rear view mirror and saw this police car all over the shop then up the slip road and stopped behind me. Then it dawned, Oh that’s why the van slowed down. Light changed green and inevitably the police car lights turned blue. I turned the air blue in my car! I pulled over. Shit, bollox, wank!

This time I stayed in the car but the copper told me to get out and sit in the back of his. I was mad. I was going to be so late for work. I did not have time for this. I got a right lecture about speeding, dangerous driving etc. Oh and I was lucky that the patrol car was not fitted with a video camera. To be honest I could not give a hoot. I just wanted to get to work. One asked for my driver’s licence. I showed him and he snatched it out of my hand saying that I will not be needing it anymore. I was beginning to get really pissed off with this guy. Yes I knew he was right but I needed to get to friggin work. Finally, minus licence, he let me go.

I got to work and explained what had happened. They laughed at my altercation with the police, telling me I will probably get banned or worst. Bloody wind up merchants they were.Two weeks later a letter arrived from the police. Heart thumping, I opened it and my licence was stapled to a letter.

Dear Mr Tackley,

Due to and error at the time of completing the form I am to inform you that you will not be prosecuted….

Whooo Hooo. I laughed my socks off.

Mutant Monkey

Goodbye Grandad

Now I know that this is a bit of a sensitive subject but this story must be told as it is quite funny. It all started when my Grandad died in Carmarthen, South Wales (ok that bits not funny). He had split with my Nan some years earlier and had moved there. My Grandad was born and bred in the Ruislip/Uxbridge area and this is where he wanted to be buried, according to his will that is. The executors of the will was my Mum and Uncle.

My Mum and Uncle had to travel to Carmarthen to see Grandad for reasons I am not clear; I think that it was to do with being executors of the will. Anyway, I volunteered to drive them as it was a fair journey and I knew the day would be stressful for the both of them. There was one condition: I did not want to see my Grandad. I was assured that this was not going to happen.

The drive seemed to flyby mainly due to the banter in the car. I was trying to take their minds off the impending stress. However, conversation came round to the fact that my Grandad wanted to be buried in Ruislip. My Mum was explaining how difficult it was going to be to get Grandad back to Ruislip and that the costs would also be phenomenal. Each time the body crossed a county more cost were added. Not ideal at all.

We finally got to Carmarthen without getting lost, and this was the days before Sat-Nav (pat on the back….thank you). We parked in the church car park and got out the car. My Mum and Uncle looked pale. The priest met us at the door, and introduced himself; his voice was slow and tombstone-ish. He ushered us into the church and without thinking I walked in with my mum.

The church was like all the churches I had ever been in. Rows of pews and a stage (I mean altar) up front. The priest lead us into a room and there was a box table in the middle. The priest walked round and took the lid off. Then it dawned on me it was a coffin! There he was, open casket, my Grandad lay there at peace. He actually looked asleep. I’m sure he has makeup on! “Whoa!”, I exclaimed. This was not what I had signed up for!! I said to my Mum that I’ll be outside and about turned!

Outside I had a couple of cigarettes thinking that Grandad actually looked well! Better than the last time I saw him, which was strange. I half expected my Mum and Uncle to walk out with him! Funny what the mind thinks when shocked!

After a while my Mum and Uncle came out, they looked stressed. I suggested we go for a strong drink to which they agreed. A pub was just around the corner.

Drinks bought we sat at one of those small round tables. “Well, that was a shock”, I started “I thought he was going to open his eyes and sit up!”. They agreed that he look ‘well’….I mean er well for a dead person. That doesn’t sound right either! How about just leave it as … looked at peace.

It was then I had an idea. To save all the problem with getting him back and sorting the funeral I’d hire a transit van and drive to Carmarthen. There would be enough room for the coffin in the back. Drive back to the river Severn and give him a viking burial. Push him out on a raft and fire some flaming arrows at it. He’d appreciate that. My Mum and Uncle laughed at this. Glad to cheer them up. Secretly, I was hoping that they would go for it, never mind 😉

My Mum actually suggested that we should strap the coffin to the roof of my car and on the way back throw it overboard into the river Severn! Ha ha! I cannot argue that this would have been the cheapest option. 😉

This obviously did not happen but it would have been good. Anyway, the funeral was respectful (as it should be) and the wake itself was…er…fun… as everyone got drunk and had a laugh. Just how I remember Grandad had lived his life.

I would like to have a Viking burial but with the way health and safety is now I doubt it will ever happen. One thing I would insist on though is that everybody had a good time, drank loads and wore T-shirts emblazoned with ‘I knew Rob and Survived!” lol

Mutant Monkey

Causing Trouble

I was staying in a hotel in Portsmouth working at the local rag. I had installed and new line and was working nights watching them to ensure that the machines run ok.

Like I was saying I was in this hotel and a salesman was with me (during the day anyway!). We were to meet up in the restaurant where he was going to buy me dinner. So as usual I was down early waiting at the bar when I looked round and saw him. Now this guy did not walk, he swanned! He certainly had an air of arrogance about him; he was also very pompous. It was so funny to watch! (to me anyway but I am easily amused). With that said he was still a gent with an accent which was a bit la-de-da. He told me to get a table while he would bring some drinks through.

I walked into the restaurant and headed for a table. I was stopped by this maître d’ who I can tell you put shivers up my spine. She was a monster; huge, boggled eyed and fully moustached, to be honest I was scared!!!! Anyway she order me back, which I promptly obeyed and asked if it had booked a table. I looked around to see one couple and a single bloke in the entire room; the restaurant was not small. I raised my eyebrows and readied myself for the obvious question i.e. Why? She looked at me and I knew there and then not to say the question, instead I answered “No“. I have never heard such a condescending tut in my life but I let it go. She ushered me to a table where I waited for the salesman.

In he swanned carrying two pints, spotted me and continued on towards me. “Are you with him?” the maître d’ growled, pointing an accusing finger at me. The man near pee’d himself. His face portrayed the look of sheer terror and his quivering voice could only utter “Er … Yes madam“! She gave a disapproving look and did that ‘tut’ again. The salesman sat down at the table and asked what I had done to upset her. Nothing of course!

For some reason my mood changed to a very mischievous one. This was helped with the waitress being quite pretty and fun. There was a lot of innuendos going on. The meal turned out quite a laugh. Meal finished I went to work.

Next evening the salesman called me and said he had booked into the hotel for the rest of the week and was I up for dinner again. Free meal, why not.

The evening start in fully deja vu mode. Me at bar, salesman swans in, I get table, he gets drinks. However, this time when I entered the restaurant the maître d’ clocked me straight away and said “What are you doing upsetting my staff?”. What, when, how all questions floated into my head. “You upset Charlotte the waitress serving you last night!”, she continued. Well on the back foot, not understanding why the waitress was upset, all I could say was “It wasn’t me, the guy I was with last night, you know, the older chap? Well he’s a bit of a pervert, likes the younger girls, it was him”, I joked, trying to smile. She gave me a toe curling look then told me to find a table. I walked to the far side of the restaurant and waited for the fireworks to begin. 🙂

The salesman swanned in carrying drinks but the maître d’ was busy talking at her staff. The salesman had just put the drinks on the table and sat down when “YOU!” was bellowed from the other side of the restaurant. The salesman froze and with chairs and tables being barged and hurled out of the way the maître d’ charged towards us like a pissed off rhinoceros.

“You..“, she repeated, “…pervert, preying on my staff, who do you think you are?” she demanded. The salesman mouth quivering said “Er….er…er…It wasn’t me it was him!” pointing an accusing finger at me. As cool as a cucumber, I shook my head and replied “Don’t lie “, then added a look of disbelief for good measure. His mouth just dropped! [hehe] With that the maître d’ told him that she will speak to the manager and ensure that this was the last night he would ever stay in the hotel.

The conversation at the table after that was ..er…a bit strained. Dinner finished I headed off quick smart but still chuckling at the situation. Charlotte had not been at work that night.

The following night Charlotte was working. I asked her what I had done wrong and she said nothing, it was just that the maître d’ was pissed that she had spent a lot of time at our table, so she said that we had upset her. To get some sympathy and deflect that she was in trouble herself. She did not realise what trouble she would get us into. I said for her not to worry and told her what went on. Oh did she laugh! As it turned out, at the end of my nights, I went on a night out with her and all the staff and had a great time.

It was about a month later when I bumped into the salesman who was still not best pleased to see me. I just shook my head and laughed. Pompous git! 😉

Mutant Monkey



My TV Debut

It all started when I was in a pub enjoying a pint with my dad. My dad you see used to work at LWT, London Weekend Television. It is now called the London Studios. He asked if I would like to help make £500 for Uxbridge rugby club (who I used to play for) and all the beer I could drink. There was one condition though, I had to promise that I was going to keep my word. I pressed him before promising and what he did mention was that we were to appear on the Hale and Pace show. Maybe not all if you will remember or are too young to have seen Hale and Pace, but basically they we a couple of comedians that had a sketch show on Saturday evenings. I agreed to promise, rather naively as it turns out but I did it mainly for the beer! So my dad spilled the beans and said that all I need to bring is my rugby boots and socks. He then looked expectantly at me, allowing time for the penny to drop. “Oh, you want me to be naked on TV!”, I said in disbelief. My dad gave me a look that I knew from old that he was not telling an untruth! 😦

Anyway, my Dad got together a rugby team from a mixture of 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th team players and we all assembled at the front of The London Studios (as it is called now). All of us were in a nervous/excited mood, not excited as in ‘is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me’, no, it was more childish giggling. So in we went for our rehearsals…the rehearsals opened our eyes to what we had let ourselves in for. It was not going to be pretty! 😦

After rehearsals we fled to a bar around the corner and managed to only down a couple of beers before we had to head back. So into the change room we went. It was a bit crowded to say the least with 15 rugby players huddled together. The smell of….of fear was in the air. Well I think it was that anyway! 😦 A wall mirror ran along the whole length of the change room, so we did our ‘dress’ rehearsal to see what it would look like. It did not help our nerves at all and nervous laughter broke out!

We were called to backstage and had to walk around the corridors naked, just the sound of studs on the tiled flooring reverberated around us. When we arrived there was an old man, two beautiful lasses that had very sexy mini dresses on with stockings and suspenders (Oh Yes!), and a sheep. The sheep took one look at us and dropped more than a hand full of raisins on the floor!!!

It was cold back stage, not good for any man, especially ones who were nervous and were just about to step out on stage to an audience, as well! I found a halogen lamp used for backlighting the stage and er warmed myself up. Encouraging my little man with a rub, I looked up to see the two lasses looking at me talking and pointing. I just smiled and carried on! Too late to be embarrassed now! lol. The floor Manager call us to be ready….and off we went on stage…

The sketch went like this: Hale and Pace sat at a desk in the middle of the stage chatting about different types of humour to the six hundred people in the audience and the countless millions who will watch it on TV when the show aired.

“Well good old English humour is funny!”, Pace exclaimed and with that the Benny Hill theme song came on over the speakers and the two models dressed up as naughty nurses ran across stage with the dirty old man hobbling after them. Oh, how the audience laughed.

“Hmmm, well yes, that was funny but Australian humour is funnier!”, replied Hale, not to be out beaten. The very worried sheep walked across stage with some french love song belting out of the speakers to rapturous applause from the audience.

“Yes, yes, very funny, but, you know what, you can’t beat nudism!”, Pace countered and with that Nelly the Elephant came on and our moment had come; the rugby team walked across stage with only boots and socks on with one hand under their own arse holding the mans hand behind and so on! We walked along like a constipated centipede! The audience at first went quiet then exploded in to a cacophony of laughter and crying!

“CUT! Good take everybody!”, the director shouted and we were ushered back on stage for a photo shoot! Items were handed out to hide our dangly bits dignity. I was given a rugby ball. Now with being a rugby player the obvious place to hold a rugby ball is not in front of your knackers, its under your arm. So, that’s how I walked back on stage! 😀

As I got close to Norman Pace I bent down and said into his ear “Would you like to be sorted out by 15 rugby players?”. He jumped up like a flash with a worried look on his face..brilliant. Photos complete we headed off stage to get dressed and then headed to the bar for copious amounts of beer!

Funny enough this was the first and last time I have appeared on TV! In the picture below I’m on the right holding the rugby ball.

Mutant Monkey

Spice Girls

I had turned 40 and my boss decided it would be great to celebrate the occasion. The brightest lads in the office were brought together and locked in a think tank. They were told not to come out until a destination and theme was decided on. Well two days later they came out, over compensated with coffee one jittery voice said that they have decided on something: The Leeds Otley Run. It’s a basically a pub crawl in Leeds which participants wear fancy dress. The theme was to be Spice girls. The previous didn’t actually happen as described but it was along those lines 😉

At first everyone was excited about the prospect, reality of dressing up as a woman not really dawning yet. Decisions were made to who was going to dress up as who. To my relief I was to be sporty spice, at least she did not wear a dress but to make it fair I had to wear a pink outfit, yes that right…Pink! Great lol.

The line up of ‘stars’ included the five spice girls, a cheeky girl, Bubbles DeVille and two bumblebees. The bumblebees being a beautiful lass from the office and her sister.

The journey to Leeds was full of nervous and excitable banter; all, bar Bubbles, were travelling in a people carrier. We got to Leeds early, wanting to down a couple before booking into the hotel to get changed. Rules were given out by Bumblebee #1 on what not to do and can do’s. I.e. not to leave Bumblebee alone ANYWHERE! and things like that.

We checked into the most crummiest hotel ever, but hey it was certainly cheap! We got changed and in turn headed for the Bumblebees room to have make up appied…We went the whole hog! Even with make up applied most of us looked dreadful.

The Spice Crew

• Ginger Spice was a bodybuilder who wore the biggest union jack flag I had ever seen!
• Scary Spice was a short bearded guy but made up for this with a massive curly wig and a leopard skin dress. Truly Scary!
• Baby Spice was a designer bearded, blond wigged, false titted (company logo’d stress balls!), Pink mini skirted, lollipop giving sight for sore eyes.
• Posh Spice, well, posh wore a frock and big dark glasses, which made him look like a proper transvestite 😉
• Sporty Spice (Me!) was a pink tracksuit bottom, sequined topped, long dark wigged (In a pony tail!) look of lovelyness! (Ha ha, I’m writing this, so there!)
• Cheeky Girl, with tinseled hair, red vest and mini skirt just looked gay!
• Bubbles DeVille was dressed up in a full body suit displaying saggy tits and hairy vagina. Decently covered up with the smallest of small towels.
• Bumblebees were dressed up as …er… bumblebees with stripy black and yellow stockings…They did look very delightful 🙂

With us darting in and out of everyone’s rooms several other people staying at the hotel came to their doors wondering what the commotion was and when they saw us they asked for a picture and a pose. Of course we had to oblige. Already I was beginning to feel good. It was going to be such a laugh. We all left our rooms, the bumblebees leading, headed for the foyer for a photo session to start off the evening. As we passed an open door I heard, “Nice, oh, niiice, what the?, WHAT!” and this lad appeared at the door staring at us. His laughter subdued to “Thats brilliant”. He joined in with the photos! Muppet lol.

Outside we waited for the taxi’s. Horns were beeped. It was crazy. As always with taxi firms there was a mix up and the driver had to ferry us down three/four at a time. I was in the first taxi with Ginger and Baby. We turned up but there was not that many people wearing fancy dress. Well none in the pub we were in! Oh No! We ordered a round and were informed that the university students that usually do the run were on holiday and not many people will be around. Great! Not to worry we were here and damn it we were going to have a good time. Baby Spice had already started as he was offering male patrons a suck on his lollipops!

After a few drinks and a few pubs the toilet beckoned. Hmmm, now this could be awkward. We could not go in together, blokes don’t do that! So, deep breath and off I went. There was a couple of lads at the ‘stainless trough’ so I stood between them and said “Hi, how’s it goin'”. They pissed themselves (pun intended lol) and quickly left. Excellent! I could have used the toilet behind a closed door but what would have been the fun in that 😉

We came out of one pub and had a bit of a hike to the next, not a problem, we had all had a few drinks and were feeling a bit more ‘comfortable’ in the attire. What we had not banked on was that the walk took us past the Leeds Rhino’s rugby league ground just as the supporters were leaving. So imagine the freak show walking down in one direction being faced with the spices girls and friends in drag lol 😉

The looks we got were priceless especially when I tried to say hi to them. The best one was “What are you looking at!”, the guy just blushed and averted his eyes. One bloke covered his childs eyes with his hand. The traffic was at a standstill due to the number of supporters; many were beeping their horns and/or cheering at us, some even offered lifts. Obviously, we declined these offers as they were dirty old men after just one thing! 😉

Every pub we went into we were very popular with both men and women, after the initial shock, looks of horror etc. of course. Strangely we had more attention from the women! Cool by me 😉 Bubbles was really feeling the heat, only because the bodysuit was so damned hot! Never seen a man sweat so much….er…ever..not that I watch men sweat or anything!

It was getting near closing time so someone suggested that we headed for a nightclub in Leeds City Centre. Off we went already feeling the effects of many drinks. We ended up in a nightclub drinking even more. We were very popular there too.

The night ended with us walking back to the hotel. One lad on the way back started on the cheeky girl calling him all sorts. This was just not on so I gave a bit back and he soon shut up. lol. Guess that the last thing he needed was to explain to his mates how he ended up with a black eye. You can imagine it: “Er… there was this girl…er guy…dressed up as sporty spice with full makeup and nail varnish…gave me a dig”.

It was a brilliant night, a night I will never forget.

Mutant Monkey

Car Accident #2

Carrying on from my first accident, my second and last (hopefully) major accident happened while travelling for work, again. I had finished a job in Corby, Northamptonshire, at around 9pm, I still had a couple of hours drive to get home, so in the car I got to drive home.

I needed to call my boss to let him know how the job went but my mobile had fallen down the foot well on the passenger side. Unbuckling my seat belt I reached down to get it. Once retrieved I call my boss (this was before the mobile ban, of course).

Call done, I settled for the journey home, slipping a cassette into the player to listen to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, my favorite at the time (yeah, I know…sad…lol). A couple of minutes later there was a whine from the player then the tape started spuing out! Noooo! Not my Pulp Fiction tape I shouted at the player, while trying to get the cassette out of the cassette killing player.

It was then I glanced up at the road, subconsciously realising that it had been a while, and saw the roundabout. Oh no, not again! This roundabout was a brick type, the type that looks like a cone with the top cut off and plants, trees and shit in the middle. I slammed on the brakes and looked at the odometer: 70mph. Bugger! I was only about 8 metres away. Skidding along trying to keep the car in a straight line, I realised that without doubt that I was going to hit the roundabout. I remembered the first accident where I broke my foot. It was not going to happen this time! I lifted both feet up and held on to the steering wheel, bracing myself for the inevitable impact.

The car hit the bricks and launched into the air like a SCUD missile taking off but then the rear wheels had something to say about the trajectory. As they hit the back of the car was forced up flipping the back of the car higher than the front. I was flying!!!!! It was all in slow motion as my adrenaline kicked in. It was a strange feeling flying through the air, first seeing the dark sky then as the back flipped up the view panned down to the ground, I was lifted off my seat. The grip I had on the steering wheel could have crushed more than one grape I can tell you! The car hit the roundabout point first, the air bag expanding out of the steering wheel, hitting me square in the nose and forcing me between the two front seats. I closed my eyes…this is going to hurt! The car rolled onto its roof, roof supports collapsing under the weight. The headrests finally stopping the crumpling. Then up into the air again. It’s was like being on the scariest rollercoaster ever. I was thrown about like a rag doll! The car started to spin finally landing on the road upside down.

I woke up looking up at the rear car seats, strange I thought, then crawled through to the front to retrieve my mobile then out through the back driver side door. I stood up and looked at the car. I actually said “Ooops” out loud. I look around and noticed that loads of people stood around. “Are you alright mate?”, the closest bloke asked. I arched my back, it bitched, “Yeah, not too bad, but I think that I have killed my car!”. A look of stunned silence. A woman next to him asked if I was sure. I nodded (I was pretty sure the car was dead) and walked over to the pair and chatted about what happened. The wailing of an ambulance siren could be heard. A few moments later an ambulance screeched to a halt and a paramedic jumped out. Looking in the car, he shouted over “Where’s the driver? Where’s the driver”. “I’m here mate. what’s up?”, I replied. “What! How the hell did you walk away from that?”. So I had to reply, it would have been rude not to – “Weeellll, I woke up looked up at the rear seats, leaned through to the front and grabbed my mobile, climbed out of the rear door, stood up, ached my back, looked at the car and said ‘Oops'”. He just stared at me. Well he did ask!

“I think you’re in shock, my friend”, the paramedic stated. In the mean time a fire engine and crew had turned up. A fireman was now standing by the paramedic. He looked at the paramedic then looked at me and asked whether I had taken the keys out of the ignition. I explained that I hadn’t and he tutted and wandered off talking to the other firemen and throwing a thumb in my direction. I could imagine what he was saying about me!

The paramedic was asking if I was hurt anywhere, which I replied no, just a few aches, and he shook his he saying how lucky I was. I’d have been lucky if my cassette did not shed its tape! He asked if I had been wearing a seat belt because if I was there was no way I would be walking away from that as he pointed to the car. He describe how my head would have probably been caved in or crushed by the roof. I was pleased he explained this to me!

I looked round as I heard a noise from the direction of my car. There was one fireman with a jemmy and three firemen yanking at the door open. I shouted “Oi”, they all stopped and look at me so I continued, “Mind the paint work, you’ll scratch it!”. The look in their faces was brilliant.

A policeman heard this and asked me to “Blow in here, please”. I was quite shocked at the proposal until he showed me the alcohol tester. “Oh, ok, I guess you think that I am under the influence”. The result was negative, of course. He asked how the accident happened; I explained that I had to sneeze and closed my eyes (I lied, couldn’t say I was fiddling with my cassette now, could I!) and when I opened them the roundabout was too close to take any action. He then lead me to the fire engine to await ‘further instruction’. Well I could not contain my excitement, “Really, in there…cool”. A childhood dream comes true! 😉 When I was in there I could not resist winding up the fire engine driver with “Hey mate, could you put your nee-nor on”. Look of utter confusion was portrayed. “You know your nee-nor, nee-nor, nee-nor….your siren!”, well he was fully bemused by this and muttered that the he could not put it on right now. I just sniggered to myself.

The police accepted my statement as it was possible to crash on the roundabout as it turns out that the locals had told them what a shocking black spot the roundabout was. Cool 😀

Well the worst thing about the whole experience was driving a hire car back the rest of the way home! Frightening! lol

Mutant Monkey

Car Accident #1

So there I was in Scunthorpe being turned away from a customer site. They informed me they had already installed the strapping machines I was there to install. Fecking Fabulous! I would not have minded so much but I had travelled up from Maidenhead to Leeds and worked late at the Yorkshire Evening Post the previous day, staying overnight in Leeds then travelled up to Scunny early the next morning. I was not a happy Chappie I can tell you; my mood was going to get worse. I contacted my boss in Maidenhead explaining what had happened and he said that he had a nice little ‘earner’ for me in Amersham, which is sort of between Hemel Hempstead and High Wycombe. Nice, just what I wanted 5 days before Christmas. He enlightened me that it was on the way home. I did point out to him I was over 200 miles away! Anyway, the boss won the argument. Arse! 😉

Off I started on my travels, my bad mood not eased by the sunny day. I was speeding and overtaking where I could and where I shouldn’t, but I did not care. I just wanted to get the next job done and get home to my kids.

Being December the sun sits low in the sky (obviously), this was making me squint, not even the sun visor was helping. It was then the nodding started but I was not going to slow down just because I was tired. I was not far from York when my eyes decided enough was enough and closed. Unfortunately I did not see the roundabout ahead sign on the dual carriageway. I opened my eyes, what the feck was going on, all I saw was the road started leading onto a roundabout. I looked down at the odometer: 80mph. Bugger! My foot planted hard on the brake pedal. My grip tightening on the steering wheel. I was not going to make it, already my car was mounting the end of the central reservation and crashed through the end of the crash barrier. The impact destroying the offside wheel. Glancing right I saw a tanker locking up, smoke come from the enraged tyres. Could this get any worse! I looked in front of me, the arrow signs pointing left “I wish”, I thought. I closed my eyes for impact as the car ploughed into them. The tanker missed me by inches,apparently. I ended up parking the car on the roundabout, well not parked as such, more dumped. The car engine still turning. I pulled out the key and still the engine was still coughing and spluttering. Oh shit! I tried the door, it would not budge. Ok not a problem, the door window was smash, I’ll get out that way. I tried to lift myself up but my right foot was trapped. Well the trainer I was wearing was trapped but at the time I thought it was my foot. I pulled with my leg until my foot was free but my trainer was left behind. No time to pick it up. I lifted my self up and out of the window and landed with a right thud on my back. I stood up, a little shakely to be honest, then took a step forward and fell over. “What the?”. I tried standing again, took another step forward and again I fell over. This is not good, I lay on the ground looking up at the sky. “Bollocks”, I thought. I looked back at the car and well it was just a tad damaged! 😀 I was ‘Extremely lucky’ according to the policeman who arrived at the scene.

Turned out that I had broken my foot in three places! Nice, just what I wanted just before Christmas! My father drove up to York hospital and took me home, which was brilliant of him. Thanks Dad.

During Christmas and New Year my foot became very painful so one of my sisters took me to A&E at the Royal Berks hospital. There my cast was taken off and the nurse noticed that my foot had started to heal with the outside of my foot pointing down. There could not be a happy outcome to this bit of news. I was right, the nurse mentioned something like this will hurt and with that snapped (an audible one at that) my foot round. Boy did it smart! Lol. My sister was more upset than I was. Recasted foot plus crutches, I left the hospital with a hop, skip and a jump to enjoy the rest of the holidays!

Mutant Monkey